Frankie Tortoise Tales Frankie Tortoise Tails sulcata care tortoise sulcata husbandry Frankie Tortoise Tails Frankie Tortoise Tails: September 2015



September 23, 2015

Coming of Age (Dear Waffles...)

Waffles, you're near your third year and thus far think yourself a mere tot of a tortoise.  Behold, young tortoise, this is the greatest time of your life:  you are discovering who you really are.  I am here to walk you through this special time as you come full into being one of the greatest of all beasts:  the male sulcata.  

The male sulcata, in all his glory, stands in a state of sublime glory, a marvel to behold, and a beast to revere.  Beware to those who would not tremble in our glory for they will see their fences fall.  

Really, when you get big you can tear down their fences.

But I digress from this awesome passing of wisdom from one sulcata male to another.  Until now you have kept secret your great glory of manhood.  You need no longer conceal your true self.  You have brought forth that which was hidden, that which now ever forth may be seen and exalted, naught to be hidden again.

Flash!  The alien is loose!

But first I must warn of a mysterious human behavior that perplex those male sulcata that have tread before you.  Yay, though we celebrate a tortoise’s first issue of its glorious phallus beware of the creepy human exploitation of our sacred male symbol.

Cameras are suddenly everywhere!

Humans will exploit your sacred rites to bring forth and exercise your greatness: to slosh joyously in the clean wet water, to unabashedly explore your untested appendage.  Yay, humans will stalk you as you perfect its methods and practice its sublime techniques.

You get no privacy, ever, ever again.

Your instinctive drive to hump all spherical objects and cry loudly your great conquests brings humans endless hours of shameful voyeurism.   Appallingly, your human will share a parade of images on Facebook, Twitter, and other human social media, your feats of manliness.  

For as long as male sulcata can remember humanoids bringing forth offerings of carrots, hay and hibiscus have we known about this exploitative human indecency.   We are aware of their shame.  There seems no end of our exposure so long as we crave their carrots.  

So fear not your sacred duties to breed those inanimate objects, it is our nature so never be ashamed by the humans senseless fascination of our manliness.   

Go forth, young Waffles and hump.  

Welcome, young sulcata male. Welcome.

P.S.  Here are a few of my favorites.  Feel free to check out the numerous videos of me on YouTube practicing with these beauties. Nope, mom has no shame.

September 10, 2015

Yard Toys

Nothing is more pitiful than a bored sulcata.  Nothing is more scary than Frankie looking for something to ram.

There are things I don't want Frankie to ram.  I am top of that list.  The young Frankie would occasionally bump into me.  Bumping is a very close behavior and ramming is just a few pounds and a much bigger bruise away.

Frankie amuses himself by a lot of walking but he just gets it into his head to do something more.  Last night, before tucking himself in for the night, he thought it would be fun to push his dogloo into a tree.

Dogloo wasn't doing anything at all, not calling attention to itself, and it certainly didn't cause Frankie to stub his toe or any such indignity.  It just existed in Frankie yard and thus a potential for his special kind of suclata attention.

Last week, Annette, a local tortoise friend who owns a one-pound Frankie-wanna be beast, came to pick up some supplies for "Foots" and got to meet Frankie for the first time.  I forget that possibly I should warn people that Frankie can get enthusiastic about visitors.

At this first meeting, Annette saw a very big, large, hundred pound boulder moving at a very crisp pace directly at her, heads up, and very animated.

Frankie saw a potential carrot giver.

Brave Annette did not want to back down because after all this is just a tortoise.  What could a tortoise possibly do?  Right?  Bruise the shins?  Break her legs?  Knock her down and trample her like a shoe box?

I told Annette to stand her ground that Frankie was just happy to see her.  She chose to move closer to me and let me handle the we-move-much-faster-than-anyone-expects beast.

He just wanted a carrot.

So, no, Frankie is not allowed to ram people and so far he has not hurt anyone...besides me.  I remain an ever vigilant observer of Sulcata Behavior.

Give Frankie toys.  Objects to ram.  Dogloo will do.  Buckets are perfect.

Bucket provides hours of amusement for Frankie.  Even when the bucket gets the upper hand.

Lesson:  Sulcata tortoises move faster than you think.