Waffles, you're near your third year and thus far think yourself a mere tot of a tortoise. Behold, young tortoise, this is the greatest time of your life: you are discovering who you really are. I am here to walk you through this special time as you come full into being one of the greatest of all beasts: the male sulcata.
The male sulcata, in all his glory, stands in a state of sublime glory, a marvel to behold, and a beast to revere. Beware to those who would not tremble in our glory for they will see their fences fall.
Really, when you get big you can tear down their fences.
But I digress from this awesome passing of wisdom from one sulcata male to another. Until now you have kept secret your great glory of manhood. You need no longer conceal your true self. You have brought forth that which was hidden, that which now ever forth may be seen and exalted, naught to be hidden again.
Flash! The alien is loose!
But first I must warn of a mysterious human behavior that perplex those male sulcata that have tread before you. Yay, though we celebrate a tortoise’s first issue of its glorious phallus beware of the creepy human exploitation of our sacred male symbol.
Cameras are suddenly everywhere!
Humans will exploit your sacred rites to bring forth and exercise your greatness: to slosh joyously in the clean wet water, to unabashedly explore your untested appendage. Yay, humans will stalk you as you perfect its methods and practice its sublime techniques.
You get no privacy, ever, ever again.
Your instinctive drive to hump all spherical objects and cry loudly your great conquests brings humans endless hours of shameful voyeurism. Appallingly, your human will share a parade of images on Facebook, Twitter, and other human social media, your feats of manliness.
For as long as male sulcata can remember humanoids bringing forth offerings of carrots, hay and hibiscus have we known about this exploitative human indecency. We are aware of their shame. There seems no end of our exposure so long as we crave their carrots.
So fear not your sacred duties to breed those inanimate objects, it is our nature so never be ashamed by the humans senseless fascination of our manliness.
Go forth, young Waffles and hump.
Welcome, young sulcata male. Welcome.
P.S. Here are a few of my favorites. Feel free to check out the numerous videos of me on YouTube practicing with these beauties. Nope, mom has no shame.